The queerest of conversations ever hoped for come too early

Yesterday was a great day.  The sun was shining, and there were palm fronds in the hands of all the little kids in our church.  Palm Sunday, what a great day!  Its similar to the Christmas Eve anticipation that is set before the child.  But as a maturing Christian, I know that Christ is coming into Jerusalem to give any gifts wrapped in paper, just his flesh.

I would not say that the day was ruined by what ensued, but it certainly painted a different light.  Like Christ riding into Jerusalem, he would soon march into my 3 year old daughter's mind and life.  

I went back to pick up my girls from their respective Sunday School classes, and was met by a very excited teacher in Claire's class.  "Warwick, I have something I have to tell you..."  Lisa then told me that they had been talking about Jesus and Palm Sunday and Claire was answering a lot of questions correct.  I think that this has everything to do with me reading to her a lot, and I make this known to everyone.  And then comes the brunt of the conversation, and her excitement and my fretting...

"And then I asked where Jesus lives now.  And the kids answered things like in heaven, with God... and then I asked if Jesus lives in our hearts?  Claire looked at me and said that Jesus does not live in her heart and that she would have to ask her mom and dad.  Isn't that exciting?  Isn't that great news?"

My reply:  "No.  This just brings to mind all kinds of theological dilemmas."

Another parent joined in: "How can that be bad news?"

My reply: "Well, can a three year old truly grasp and cherish and understand the implications of such a decision?  What does this mean for her? It just raises all kinds of questions."

"All of your questions are giving me a headache."

"Well, at least you know you can start to have these conversations."

I took little comfort in the knowledge that I could begin these conversations.  I told Heather all about what had occurred while we were on our way home.  To which our front seat conversation was turned back to Claire to see what was going on her mind.  

"So, Claire, I heard you talked about Jesus today."

"Yeah, we made green hands and taped them and made them into palms."

"Thats right, today is a big day."

"Its Palm Sunday, so we made green hands." (I did tell her that today was a big day.)

"Claire, I talked to Lisa and she said that you answered a lot of questions correctly today.  Good job, Monkey!"

"Yeah, we talked about Jesus."

"Well, Lisa also said that she asked whether or not Jesus lives in your heart, and you said no."

"No, Jesus does not live in my heart.  He left."

Heather and I looked at each other.  It was such a weird comment.  As if she understood at one point and something happened.  Something disastrous... there was such a tone in her voice, like sadness and hopelessness.

"Well, monkey, you know, "I started," that Jesus doesn't actually live in your heart.  Its an expression.  If I say that you live in my heart, I mean that you are in my thoughts and that I want to see you a lot.  When I'm away from you, I miss you and  I can not wait to see you again.  And it means that I do things that I know would make you happy.  I say that you, and Lily, and mommy live in my heart, but you guys aren't in my chest, are you?  Do you understand?  Do you get it?"

A quiet voice... "Yes.  But Jesus is not in my heart.  He left."

Heather, wise beyond me and much better at not rambling says, "Honey, to have Jesus in your heart is to say that Jesus is your friend.  You can talk to Him and tell Him everything."

Chiming in, "Yeah, your best friend.  Like Jenny is your friend, and the Thrushes, and Mikey are your friend... Jesus wants to be your friend."

Silence.  "Jesus does not live in my heart anymore."

Still somber.  I think Heather looked at me, but I'm not sure, because I was driving.

"You know, Monkey, Daddy and mommy love you very much.  And so does God.  He loves you very very much, and He just wants you to know that right now.  God loves you very much."

And silence again.  The mood in the car had somewhat changed.  I was in deep thought, Heather was now quiet, Lily was asleep, and Claire was slumped down into her seat, looking out the window.  

The rest of this story has a ring of heresy, but I trust my wife and her retelling of what happened next.  I went to the store to get the Canadian bacon and some sausage for that night's small group meal.  Here is what went down:

Before I left for the store I asked Claire, somber faced and clutching her giraffe, if she wanted to lay down in her bed and take a nap, or to watch a movie?  She wanted to lie down, so I carried her to her bed, and covered her with a blanket.  Before I left I repeated... "You know that mommy and daddy love you very much, and we just want you to know that God loves you very much."

"Ok, Daddy."

And I left.

Well, Heather was on the couch reading, and some time later Claire came out to her.  

"Mommy, I just talked to God and its ok now."

"What's ok now, honey?"

"Well, I was talking to God and Jesus is in my heart now, so its ok."

Upon this, Heather tried to talk to Claire more, but she slipped into her normal three year old responses of belligerency and contradictions.  So, Heather dropped the discussion and Claire went and played.

So, does Claire, a three year old fully understand what is going on in the world?

I dunno, and I don't know that even I fully understand and cherish my own salvation.  Part of my bias towards her, and partly against the over exuberance of some parents who overheard my conversation in the classroom, is that I was not raised in a family that was then very supportive of my decision to follow Christ.  My decision, finally and completely, was made in a quiet dark shadowy part of Rhodes Grove camp, with no one around.  It was just me and God away from everyone, and my decision, finally, rested on what I recognize as God's call on my life, and not my decision.  I'm intrigued by the way this has played out for Claire so far.  That she should be questioning so young, and had her own conversation with God (on her own, and alone) reminds me so much of my own walk, and gives me hope for her.  I know that she talks to God now, and that it is really on her own volition, not because she has been told to do so.

For further thought, last night I read to Claire from a bedtime devotional for kids, and we were at the part of the fall.  When we were done reading through it, I asked Claire if she understood about the snake and Eve and Adam, and she shook her head.  So, I explained it to her in terms I thought she would understand: We are like Snow White.  (She perked up right away)  Its like we have all fallen asleep, and we were waiting for someone to wake us up.  And thats what Jesus did.  He was the only one that was able to help us, because he loved it us truly, just like Prince Charming.  

She understood this.  

Her need for a Saviour?  Only time will tell.